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This Ace Ventura: Pet Detective review is a disgusting habit

Ace Ventura: Pet Detective review

Plot

It’s like Sherlock Holmes mixed with Dr. Doolittle mixed with ADHD. I’m clearly not the target audience, but I only took a point off for the confusing final act.

Characters

Jim Carrey seems to have given his all in this movie, but a few of his costars did not.

Visuals

Yet another movie that felt like a live action cartoon. Speaking of which, one of these days I’ll get around to watching The Mask.

Product Placement

The Miami Dolphins don’t count, because I never count sports teams.

Rewatchability

I can definitely see why this was all the rage among my peers when it first came out, but I didn’t really miss all that much by not getting to see it until 20 years later.

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Inside this Winter’s Tale review is a miracle

Winter's Tale review

Plot

I don’t know which was worse…the confusing logic, the egregious amount of suspension of disbelief required, or the fact that the characters seemed to somehow take it all so seriously.

Characters

How can a movie with a flying horse that’s actually a dog be so full of uninteresting characters?

Also, how can uninteresting characters be so over the top?

Visuals

More lens flares than a documentary about rhinestones directed by J.J. Abrams.

Product Placement

In a tacky display of corporate shamelessness, that Dunkin’ Donuts awning showed up twice, perfectly angled both times as to not be blocked by anyone’s heads.

Rewatchability

I regret letting this one slip through the cracks for so long, but that in no way means I had a good time watching it.

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The whole world’s gotta get up for this Breaking Up review

Breaking Up review

Plot

Usually, in movies like this, two people meet in the first act, something bad happens to tear them apart in the second act, and they reunite in the third act.

As such, this movie could be described as “entirely the second act”, but it worked surprisingly well.

Characters

There were basically only two characters in this movie, but they seemed to focus more on one than the other.

Visuals

Lots of crazy visual stuff going on here, especially during the second half.

Product Placement

Just a bunch of incidental stuff that comes from filming in a real city.

Rewatchability

This movie left me feeling all depressed and thinking about life…but in a good way.

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Stay right here for a Lucy review

Lucy review

Plot

I’m guessing the working title for this movie was Baby’s First Action Film, because of the way they beat you over the head about every little detail.

Characters

I still don’t get the appeal of Scarlett Johansson, but I can’t take off for that. Instead, I’ll deduct for the fact that Morgan Freeman looked lost the whole time.

Visuals

Part of the “beating you over the head” I mentioned earlier was with the symbolic “visual aids” they kept giving during the first part of the movie.

I took off a second point for the Terrence Malick style “we ran out of story, so here’s a bunch of CGI” going on at the end.

Product Placement

Unless that drug is commercially available, there was nothing here.

Rewatchability

If you had asked me last week which of this weekend’s two new releases I’d enjoy more, my answer would be backwards from what actually happened.

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Get paid either way with a Hercules review

Hercules review

I know. I can’t believe it either.

Plot

The fact that it was lighthearted and didn’t take itself completely seriously is what made the more intense parts work.

Characters

I thought Reece Ritchie was going to be annoying at first, but they pushed him to the background enough that he never became much of a problem.

Ian McShane was definitely the most memorable character.

Visuals

Those CGI animals are probably going to look cheap in a few years, but for now, they’re decent enough to get the job done.

Product Placement

I can’t believe they celebrated after the big victory by going to Dunkin’ Donuts.

I’m kidding. Of course that didn’t happen.

Rewatchability

It was short, it knew when to stop, and despite not normally enjoying movies set in Ancient Greece, I can’t think of a reason not to see it again sometime.

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Read this The Air I Breathe review or lose a finger

The Air I Breathe review

Plot

I almost took a point off for the out-of-place supernatural element, but the way the whole story came full circle in the end was pretty great.

Characters

Everyone (except for Emile Hirsch’s ridiculously annoying character) gave surprisingly powerful performances.

Visuals

I don’t have anything to talk about visually, but on an audio-related note (no pun intended), this movie had the worst soundtrack/dialog balance I’ve ever come across.

Since this isn’t the “Audio” category, I won’t take off for it though.

Product Placement

Nope.

Rewatchability

It wasn’t perfect, but I have never seen so many tightly-sealed interconnecting circular stories before. Watching it again will probably reveal more things I didn’t pick up on the first time.

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A The Angriest Man in Brooklyn review for the Lemon Princess

The Angriest Man in Brooklyn review

Plot

There was a lot of opportunity for exploring themes about forgiveness, but they squandered it all by just mostly making the titular character wander around New York.

Characters

I thought I had accidentally started fast forwarding the movie whenever Robin Williams was on screen. More so than usual, I mean.

Visuals

Look at that. A movie where brief periods of shaky cam made sense.

Product Placement

Nothing to see here…in both a category-specific, and general, meaning of the phrase.

Rewatchability

I wasn’t impressed. You might be, though.

I don’t tell you what to do.

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A Catwoman review. Sorry.

Catwoman

As usual, the review title is based on something from the movie, but it’s rare that the title matches my sentiments so perfectly.

Plot

A muddled attempt at reimagining a well-established character, done through the stripping away of almost every aspect of the original, and the addition of odd supernatural elements.

Characters

Halle Berry acted so much like Anne Hathaway in this movie that it makes you wonder if it had any influence on Anne getting the part of Catwoman in The Dark Knight Rises.

Extra point off for Alex Borstein…just because I can.

Visuals

Catwoman suffers from Spider-Man’s Disease, in which she becomes obviously (bad) CGI whenever she springs into action.

Product Placement

Not nearly as bad as it could have been. Just a few minor appearances.

Rewatchability

I’m embarrassed enough that this is my third time seeing this movie. I don’t want to add to that number any more.

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Learn something about our girl with a The Black Dahlia review

The Black Dahlia review

Plot

I’ve seen quite a few movies like this, but this is the first one that really felt like what modern film noir should be.

Characters

Scarlett Johansson, Hilary Swank, Josh Hartnett, and Aaron Eckhart. None are my favorites by any means, but they’re actually perfect fits here.

Visuals

The brown and tan tones were a good choice, although I do think the movie would have been even better in black and white.

Product Placement

Nothing but a few old-timey billboards in the boxing arena.

Rewatchability

My pre-existing love for gangster/detective films of the 1930s and 40s made me a little biased here, I’m sure.

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This Children on Their Birthdays review requires moral restitution

Children on Their Birthdays review

Plot

There’s way too much going on in this movie, especially given the fact that it’s supposedly based on a short story.

Characters

That’s right. I took a point off for Tania Raymonde’s fingernails-on-chalkboard voice/accent and puppet-like mannerisms.

Visuals

Eh, it looked okay to me, I guess.

I am the world’s laziest movie reviewer, you guys.

Product Placement

This is not the type of movie where that would happen.

Rewatchability

Just the thought of this movie going to make me want to throw something for months to come.

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