1 Comment

Best The Simpsons Movie review of your life…so far

The Simpsons Movie review

Plot

It had all the hallmarks of a classic Simpsons episode…a town hall meeting, a crazy scheme, an angry mob, a seemingly-unrelated opening that eventually led to the real plot…and plenty of laughs along the way.

Characters

I was surprised they didn’t give more prominent roles to some of the secondary cast, but everyone they did use stayed true to their TV selves.

Visuals

I’m going to assume the weird white outlines around everything was caused by poor DVD quality or my TV settings.

The visual gags that treated the movie as though it was being shown on TV were great.

Product Placement

I remember there being a lot of cross promotion with different companies when this came out, but none of it made its way into the movie itself.

Rewatchability

I had never seen a full episode of The Simpsons before, so I spent several months watching the first 18 seasons so I could review this properly.

It was worth it.

Click here to subscribe!

3 Comments

A Stick It review? I got insurance

Stick It review

Plot

I was (mostly) onboard until it suddenly switched themes and became about unfair competition judging practices during the last act for some reason.

Characters

The main character took a little bit too long to warm up to. It felt as though she was overdoing the sarcasm during the early parts of the movie.

Visuals

So much creative camera work. So. Much.

I’m sure there was some reason behind the movie being mostly red at the beginning and mostly blue at the end, but I’m not here to philosophize.

Product Placement

I usually don’t take off for things during athletic competitions, but those billboards during the championship were too gigantic to completely ignore.

Rewatchability

Eh, nothing will ever beat Whip It in the “girls sports movies” genre.

Come to think of it, I guess Whip It and Stick It could have been in my “Not Quite Sequels” theme week a while back that nobody understood.

Click here to subscribe!

1 Comment

This Magic in the Moonlight review is a good place to open a restaurant

Magic in the Moonlight review

Plot

It’s always a little disappointing when I figure out what’s going on a few minutes into a movie like this.

Characters

I usually really enjoy Emma Stone, but here it felt like she was distracted by something she had to do later that day after the shoot.

Visuals

I’ve only seen the most recent of Woody Allen’s movies, but they all look exactly the same.

I guess “feel the same” is a better choice of words, but that’s not to say the familiar can’t be a good thing.

Product Placement

Nothing here. Nothing there. Nothing anywhere.

Rewatchability

Like most of Woody Allen’s movies, this one doesn’t try to be anything. It just is.

Click here to subscribe!

5 Comments

The eagles are coming to this The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies review

The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies review

Plot

The extended battle scene provided a title for this movie and enough padding to barely call it a movie.

Characters

This movie probably should be called Thorin, because Richard Armitage was the best thing about it…and Martin Freeman was barely in it.

Visuals

My qualms with overdone CGI in the rest of this series still holds true here.

Product Placement

Unless Thorin was really the Burger King Under the Mountain, then there wasn’t anything.

Rewatchability

Are you sure this wasn’t just deleted scenes from the second Hobbit movie?

Click here to subscribe!

1 Comment

It’s not a pound of sugar, it’s a Congo review

Congo review

Plot

This movie felt like Jurassic Park Lite, for obvious reasons.

Characters

Ugh, it’s like they held “Least Likable Actors” auditions or something…Laura Linney and Ernie Hudson notwithstanding.

Visuals

It was probably scoffed at when the movie was made, but the animatronics on the gorilla’s face were really great.

Besides, I’d rather see a person in a monkey suit than CGI any day.

Product Placement

I know the Taco Bell stuff showed up on purpose because the promotional tie-ins were how I first heard of this movie back in the day.

Rewatchability

Too silly to be taken seriously, yet takes itself too seriously to be silly.

Click here to subscribe!

2 Comments

Buy yourself a retirement clock with this The American review

The American review

Plot

I didn’t really know what exactly was going on most of the time, but with thrillers, that just makes things more interesting.

Characters

It’s rare to find a movie where I can separate George Clooney from his character, but this is one.

Visuals

The maze-like architecture and Italian countryside really helped make this movie better.

Product Placement

Maybe I missed some Italian products. I can’t see everything…or why kids love Cinnamon Toast Crunch.

Rewatchability

I was going to give a 2 here because its never quite as fun with this type of movie to know how it ends, but this one was just so easy to watch.

Click here to subscribe!

8 Comments

Leave my elevator alone, it’s a Blast from the Past review

Blast from the Past review

Plot

Hey, look. They made a movie from a metaphorical version of my life story.

Seriously, though. This is the funniest “time-related fish out of water” movie I’ve seen yet.

Characters

How exciting it is to start watching a movie and discover that Christopher Walken is one of the main characters!

Visuals

The set designs were simple but effective, although it was a little sad to watch the decay of the neighborhood over the decades.

Product Placement

Do people really drink Dr. Pepper heated on the stove?

The middle turned into somewhat of a Holiday Inn and U-HAUL commercial.

Rewatchability

I skipped ahead and pulled this one out of the middle of my “to-be-watched” DVD stack. I’m glad I did.

Click here to subscribe!

2 Comments

A The Ant Bully review? A wizard knows no such word!

The Ant Bully review

Plot

Sure, there were overtones of friendship and togetherness, but there seemed to be an underlying propaganda-style agenda with this movie that I couldn’t quite put my finger on.

Characters

I forgot Nicolas Cage was in this. I should have watched it sooner!

Out of everyone, Paul Giamatti seemed to have the most fun with his part, though.

Visuals

The worst part about older CGI movies is the uncanny valley effect caused by the humans’ movements being too fluid.

Product Placement

I have to take off for using Jelly Belly when generic jelly beans would have worked just fine.

Rewatchability

I didn’t miss much by not seeing this till now.

Click here to subscribe!

10 Comments

An Exodus: Gods and Kings review, because you know you are loved

Exodus: Gods and Kings review

Yes, the working title was “Let my people go to an Exodus: Gods and Kings review”. Thanks for asking!

Plot

This movie attempted to be like the epics from decades past, but could only come close to accomplishing it through superfluous backstory.

Characters

Joel Edgerton played Ramses too timidly. As a result, the few times he did show villainous behavior, it felt out of character.

Visuals

The green screens crossed over into the uncanny valley several times, leaving the movie feeling like the cutscenes from a late era PlayStation 2 game.

Product Placement

We all know there was nothing there.

Rewatchability

Like the waves of the Red Sea, my enjoyment levels fluctuated between “This isn’t as good as they think it is” and “Okay, it’s getting better”.

Click here to subscribe!

2 Comments

For dark is the suede that mows like a Mars Attacks! review

Mars Attacks! review

Plot

They barely scraped the surface of a premise that should have been a gold mine of usable material, and instead just repeated the same tired formula over and over.

You know…just like I do!

Characters

Is there anyone who wasn’t in this movie?

Jack Nicholson’s (non-presidential) character…a decent job by Sarah Jessica Parker and Natalie Portman…Joe Don Baker…There’s plenty of reasons to keep it a 3 here.

Visuals

I was hoping the Martians would be puppets, but instead they’re mid-90s grade CGI.

Apparently, they were supposed to look bad on purpose, but attempting bad-on-purpose CGI in a time when good-on-purpose CGI was barely possible was not a smart move.

Product Placement

I had no idea this movie was based on a trading card game until I started writing this review.

However, in keeping with the spirit of this section, I’m forced to still give it a 1 here.

Rewatchability

If I ever get to travel back in time, I’m going to tell 12 year old me that this movie is not worth waiting 18 years for a chance to see.

Click here to subscribe!