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Get paid either way with a Hercules review

Hercules review

I know. I can’t believe it either.

Plot

The fact that it was lighthearted and didn’t take itself completely seriously is what made the more intense parts work.

Characters

I thought Reece Ritchie was going to be annoying at first, but they pushed him to the background enough that he never became much of a problem.

Ian McShane was definitely the most memorable character.

Visuals

Those CGI animals are probably going to look cheap in a few years, but for now, they’re decent enough to get the job done.

Product Placement

I can’t believe they celebrated after the big victory by going to Dunkin’ Donuts.

I’m kidding. Of course that didn’t happen.

Rewatchability

It was short, it knew when to stop, and despite not normally enjoying movies set in Ancient Greece, I can’t think of a reason not to see it again sometime.

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Read this The Air I Breathe review or lose a finger

The Air I Breathe review

Plot

I almost took a point off for the out-of-place supernatural element, but the way the whole story came full circle in the end was pretty great.

Characters

Everyone (except for Emile Hirsch’s ridiculously annoying character) gave surprisingly powerful performances.

Visuals

I don’t have anything to talk about visually, but on an audio-related note (no pun intended), this movie had the worst soundtrack/dialog balance I’ve ever come across.

Since this isn’t the “Audio” category, I won’t take off for it though.

Product Placement

Nope.

Rewatchability

It wasn’t perfect, but I have never seen so many tightly-sealed interconnecting circular stories before. Watching it again will probably reveal more things I didn’t pick up on the first time.

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A The Angriest Man in Brooklyn review for the Lemon Princess

The Angriest Man in Brooklyn review

Plot

There was a lot of opportunity for exploring themes about forgiveness, but they squandered it all by just mostly making the titular character wander around New York.

Characters

I thought I had accidentally started fast forwarding the movie whenever Robin Williams was on screen. More so than usual, I mean.

Visuals

Look at that. A movie where brief periods of shaky cam made sense.

Product Placement

Nothing to see here…in both a category-specific, and general, meaning of the phrase.

Rewatchability

I wasn’t impressed. You might be, though.

I don’t tell you what to do.

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A Catwoman review. Sorry.

Catwoman

As usual, the review title is based on something from the movie, but it’s rare that the title matches my sentiments so perfectly.

Plot

A muddled attempt at reimagining a well-established character, done through the stripping away of almost every aspect of the original, and the addition of odd supernatural elements.

Characters

Halle Berry acted so much like Anne Hathaway in this movie that it makes you wonder if it had any influence on Anne getting the part of Catwoman in The Dark Knight Rises.

Extra point off for Alex Borstein…just because I can.

Visuals

Catwoman suffers from Spider-Man’s Disease, in which she becomes obviously (bad) CGI whenever she springs into action.

Product Placement

Not nearly as bad as it could have been. Just a few minor appearances.

Rewatchability

I’m embarrassed enough that this is my third time seeing this movie. I don’t want to add to that number any more.

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Learn something about our girl with a The Black Dahlia review

The Black Dahlia review

Plot

I’ve seen quite a few movies like this, but this is the first one that really felt like what modern film noir should be.

Characters

Scarlett Johansson, Hilary Swank, Josh Hartnett, and Aaron Eckhart. None are my favorites by any means, but they’re actually perfect fits here.

Visuals

The brown and tan tones were a good choice, although I do think the movie would have been even better in black and white.

Product Placement

Nothing but a few old-timey billboards in the boxing arena.

Rewatchability

My pre-existing love for gangster/detective films of the 1930s and 40s made me a little biased here, I’m sure.

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This Children on Their Birthdays review requires moral restitution

Children on Their Birthdays review

Plot

There’s way too much going on in this movie, especially given the fact that it’s supposedly based on a short story.

Characters

That’s right. I took a point off for Tania Raymonde’s fingernails-on-chalkboard voice/accent and puppet-like mannerisms.

Visuals

Eh, it looked okay to me, I guess.

I am the world’s laziest movie reviewer, you guys.

Product Placement

This is not the type of movie where that would happen.

Rewatchability

Just the thought of this movie going to make me want to throw something for months to come.

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This Before the Devil Knows You’re Dead review is the sum of its parts

Before the Devil Knows You're Dead review

Plot

The jumping around in time didn’t really add any mystery to the story. It felt gimmicky, mostly because a straightforward telling would have worked just fine.

Characters

I’m not sure a better cast could have been assembled.

Visuals

The colors seemed really washed out, especially during outdoor scenes.

Product Placement

A few stores in the shopping center around the jewelry store, but they filmed in a real shopping center, so it was unavoidable.

Rewatchability

About halfway through, it started feeling like it was dragging on forever.

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This Bring It On Again review is the bomb diggity

Bring It On Again review

Plot

Don’t believe the poster’s lies. The stakes are definitely not higher this time.

The first one was a mostly believable underdog tale, but the sequel is a sci-fi fantasy film where cheerleading has magical powers and is the most important thing in the world.

Characters

I hate it when vapid, boring main characters are handed everything with no struggle. I’ve never seen it happen to this extreme before.

What makes it worse is that the main character’s friend was so much better at cheerleading. At least she got to be in front on the poster.

Visuals

Cheaper production values this time around, but there’s nothing specific to point out. I’ll let it pass.

Product Placement

Several awkwardly forced Coke placements.

Rewatchability

How many of these are there? I’m going to suffer through them all eventually (once), but only because I’m a completist. Not because they’re good.

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A liberally perfumed The Grand Budapest Hotel review

The Grand Budapest Hotel review

Plot

It took a little while to get used to the breakneck speed of the storytelling, but my only real complaint is that it got silly and cartoonish towards the end.

Characters

Ralph Fiennes and Tony Revolori were both great additions to Wes Anderson’s usual go-to cast.

Also, if they ever make a biopic of George Raft, Mathieu Amalric should be first in line to audition.

Visuals

One of these days, Wes Anderson is going to make a movie so Wes Anderson-y that it’s going to collapse in on itself.

Product Placement

The only thing that came close was Mendl’s, which obviously isn’t real.

Rewatchability

It’s no Bottle Rocket, but it was enjoyable on its own terms. As all movies should be.

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Hill walkers are welcome at this Under the Skin review

Under the Skin review

Plot

Man, talk about a long, boring, repetitive movie. It raised a million questions and answered none.

Characters

There was very little character development until the end, no clear motivations, and minor characters who crossed the line between “believably amateur” and “unbelievably awful”.

Visuals

Strobe lights, my mortal enemy. We meet again.

Product Placement

There were no products…under the skin. Or at least none that aren’t excused for being in a convenience store.

Rewatchability

No. No. No. A thousand times no.

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