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Why must I chase the 2 Fast 2 Furious review?

2 Fast 2 Furious review

Plot

This one felt a lot more cartoony than the first.

Characters

Paul Walker was pretty bad in this. Eva Mendes was pretty bad in this. Tyrese Gibson was pretty bad in this.

Visuals

Why bother with CGI when real cars would have worked just fine?

Product Placement

If I knew more about cars, I probably would have scored this section differently.

Rewatchability

If I want to see a good movie about someone delivering packages and driving fast, I’ll watch Transporter 3, thanks.

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Man was not meant to meddle in this Avengers: Age of Ultron review

Avengers: Age of Ultron review

Plot

They tried to be too dark and too silly at the same time, all while filling the story to the brim with callbacks, easter eggs, and connections…and the result was a bloated, uninteresting mess.

Characters

James Spader was a perfect choice for the voice of Ultron (second only to H. Jon Benjamin, maybe), but his habit of going completely off-character for the sake of “dumb guy” jokes was off-putting.

Visuals

Speaking of dark, I think they forgot to turn the lights on during most of the indoor scenes.

I took an extra point off for the CGI “so much debris you can’t tell what’s going on” aspects.

Product Placement

I can’t believe it. Absolutely nothing.

Rewatchability

I didn’t care much for the first one, but this one sucked most of the joy and happiness from the Marvel universe for sure.

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I don’t know anything about zat To Be or Not to Be review

To Be or Not to Be review

Plot

I didn’t find any of it particularly funny, but the story wasn’t bad.

Characters

The supporting cast was a pretty interchangeable group.

…for the most part.

Visuals

Not since The Public Enemy has there been a better use of a credit sequence.

Product Placement

Nein.

Rewatchability

I’ve given Mel Brooks several chances at this point**, and I’ve come to the conclusion that his movies just aren’t meant for me.

But, this one did make me interested in the original movie it’s based on.

**Don’t look. I didn’t review them.

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Teach me to read, it’s a Tapeheads review

Tapeheads review

Plot

A short running time plus several scenes that were a little bit too long shows they didn’t quite have as much to work with as they may have originally thought.

Characters

Alright. I’ll admit that John Cusack was okay here…bringing the total of films of his that I enjoyed up to two.

Visuals

Stop motion fried chicken? Yeah, this movie has it.

Product Placement

Speaking of chicken…This may feature the longest fake commercial for a real restaurant ever in existence.

Whenever I don’t know which direction to take this score in, I always go down the middle.

Rewatchability

I can see why this may be considered a “cult classic”, but it just wasn’t for me.

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Omar blew up my The Jewel of the Nile review

The Jewel of the Nile review

I didn’t even know Romancing the Stone had a sequel before now. Let’s make a bonus review of it.

Plot

It felt like they were just going through the motions in this unnecessary sequel.

Characters

Danny DeVito got more to do, but it’s easy for anyone to stand out against a backdrop of lackluster characters like this.

Visuals

What a difference in camera quality one year makes, eh?

Product Placement

I didn’t see anything. And neither will you.

…because Netflix is removing this movie at the end of April.

Rewatchability

I’d rather not, really. Thanks, though.

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Today, I’m going to ruin a man’s Romancing the Stone review

Romancing the Stone review

Plot

It’s as though Indiana Jones got turned into a (slightly dated at this point) romantic comedy.

Characters

Danny DeVito is criminally** underused.

**Pun intended.

Visuals

There were a few places where the scenery proved itself to be fake, but that’s still better than the whole thing being shot in front of green screens.

Product Placement

Not a lot of products in the jungle, it seems. Except that prominent Pepsi sign in a tiny jungle village for some reason.

Rewatchability

I actually saw this one during my “365 movies in a year” project back in 2010, but I remembered very little of it while watching it this time.

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You can understand a Nobody Walks review without knowing what it means

Nobody Walks review

Plot

I want to love any movie that shows this much Foley and voiceover work**, but this is terrible in every way.

**My two favorite things!

Characters

What better way to commemorate my finally making it through the entire run of The Office on Netflix than by immediately watching a movie starring John Krasinksi?

Olivia Thirlby, on the other hand, is just a poor man’s Parker Posey.

Visuals

The bug footage is really the only thing that stands out from a visual standpoint.

Product Placement

It’s times like this that I wish there was something to complain about here. A 2.0 overall score is way too high for this movie.

Rewatchability

I’d rather sit through a week-long marathon of Sofia Coppola and Terrence Malick films than suffer with this again.

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This Ex Machina review is not the history of man

Ex Machina review

Plot

There’s nothing like a good science fiction movie that’s focused more on science than big explosions.

Characters

It’s rare for everyone to be great in a movie with such a small amount of characters.

Rare, but not impossible…as this movie shows. 

Visuals

I don’t usually care for it, but the CGI in this movie was exceptional.

Product Placement

Bluebook’s not real, so there’s nothing left.

Rewatchability

The ending makes this the perfect “show it to your friends to gauge there reaction” movie.

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You almost had me with this The Fast and the Furious review

The Fast and the Furious review

Plot

I thought this was all about racing, but apparently it was a heist movie all along.

It really dragged on in a few places, though.

Characters

Michelle Rodriguez is one of the reasons I’ve put this series off for so long. She really needs to learn to emote.

Visuals

I liked the “going through the motors” thing they had going on, but let me take a moment to complain about the audio.**

I got so tired of turning the volume up and down between the dialog and car scenes that I eventually gave up and turned on the closed captioning.

**This section’s score does not reflect my audio frustrations.

Product Placement

Wow. Starting things off with a ton of Panasonic boxes, then following it up with some Pizza Hut, Corona, Coke, the list goes on…

Rewatchability

If I do see it again, hopefully the sound will be better.

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No jingle, no Nirvana review

Nirvana review

No, if it was about that Nirvana, the title of this review would be “Francis Farmer Will Have Her Revenge on This Nirvana review”…but thanks for asking!

Plot

All of the pieces were there for this to be Total Recall, The Matrix, and The Fifth Element all rolled into one…but they played it too seriously and it suffered as a result.

Characters

I forgot how annoying dubbed movies can be. A lot of these voiceovers were so lifeless.

Visuals

The Sin City-esque effects look pretty cheesy now, but they tried their hardest, I guess. And some of the practical effects were pretty good.

*This movie predates Sin City by a few years.

Product Placement

Unless Kuwait & Texas is a real gas station chain, I couldn’t find anything.

Rewatchability

Not nearly as fun as I had hoped it would be.

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