Leave a comment

No one needs to know about this Fast and Furious 6 review

Fast and Furious 6 review

Plot

If a fight scene goes on so long that you forget who is fighting and why they’re fighting, then your movie may have a problem.

Characters

Dangit, Michelle Rodriguez. You ruined the franchise again.

Aside from her, there just wasn’t enough for all of the characters to do this time around.

Visuals

Oh, look. Shaky cam is back.

Product Placement

Those vending machines kept coming up…

Rewatchability

Just because you can make a movie over 2 hours long doesn’t mean you should.

Click here to subscribe!

1 Comment

This Cypher review is not Morgan Sullivan

Cypher review

Plot

I seem to be doing a lot of movie comparing lately, but…this is like The Matrix and 1984 had a baby that Paranoia wants to be when it grows up.

Characters

Jeremy Northam is the best nervous-yet-confident everyman I’ve ever seen. Why haven’t I seen him in more films?

Visuals

Heavy shadows and color filters are usually things I don’t go for, but they actually worked great here. The movie wouldn’t have been the same without them.

My poor eyes could have done without the extreme subliminal message parts though.

Product Placement

Digicorp isn’t real. At least, I hope Digicorp isn’t real. Digicorp will eventually be real. Run for your lives.

Rewatchability

I am going to have to watch this several times in order to fully comprehend what was going on, and that’s okay because I enjoyed the ride.

Click here to subscribe!

Leave a comment

What’s your name and what’s in your Following review?

Following review

Plot

The story seems to jump around a little too much…until you get to the end and realize everything was exactly where it needed to be all along.

Characters

The characters in this film have a lot in common with the characters from Christopher Nolan’s Batman movies.

Visuals

I think the part that reminded me most of Pi is the fact that it was filmed in black and white.

Product Placement

Yes, the very first shot is from behind a Dunkin Donuts window, but this movie was basically budgetless so it doesn’t count.

Rewatchability

I’ve seen it before, but since this comes in at only an hour and 10 minutes, it’s certainly one I can easily come back to.

Click here to subscribe!

1 Comment

Hold your course, it’s a Dark Planet review

Dark Planet review

Plot

This movie is like a dream you have when you take a nap in the same room as someone watching Pitch Black and Interstellar back to back.

Characters

The acting in this movie makes Birdemic: Shock and Terror look Criterion-worthy.

Visuals

There’s no denying that I (normally) love practical effects, but there’s also no denying that these are laughable at best.

Product Placement

At least there was one shining beacon of hope in this dark, dark movie.

Rewatchability

Event Horizon made me cautious about taking a chance on science fiction movies I didn’t know anything about. I tried to get past that with this movie…but all it did was make it worse.

Click here to subscribe!

Leave a comment

Here’s a Picture Perfect review…as a friend thing

Picture Perfect review

Since the sequel just came out, I…oh, just forget it.

Plot

Why didn’t the main character just buy a car? It would have been so much easier.

…not to mention more entertaining.

Characters

Jay Mohr was kind of a blank slate…but isn’t he always?

Visuals

If I had a dollar for every time I’ve added the “video camera viewfinder” effect to one of my illustrations, I’d have…several dollars.

It’s nice to see it in a movie for once.

Product Placement

This was a perfect opportunity to use a fake brand, and I’m actually surprised a real mustard company allowed them to feature their product in this.

At least it wasn’t incredibly prominent beyond a few scenes.

Rewatchability

Not quite what I was expecting, but then again, I was basing my expectations on an (apparently deleted now) plot description tweeted by the Michael Haneke parody account.

Either way, if I want to watch a romantic comedy, I know there are much better options out there.

Click here to subscribe!

1 Comment

Not a Fast Five review more, not a bullet less

Fast Five review

Spoiler alert…this is the only film of the series that I truly enjoyed.

Plot

This has more in common with Ocean’s Eleven than The Fast and the Furious, and that is just fine with me.

Characters

It’s difficult to pull off a movie with this many characters, but they did it.

Best of all, no Michelle Rodriguez!

Visuals

The foreign language subtitles interacted with the scenery a little bit, which is almost as good as opening credits doing the same.

Product Placement

Significantly less than the previous installments, so I count that as a win.

Rewatchability

With this one, they started retooling these movies to appeal to a wider audience, and apparently I’m in that audience.

Click here to subscribe!

Leave a comment

This Fast and Furious review ain’t your scene anymore, boss

Fast and Furious review

Plot

Maybe it’s because I basically watched these back to back, but the racing scenes all seem to be lasting longer than my interest in them is.

Characters

I’d be way more excited right now about…something character related…if someone hadn’t already spoiled the most recent installments for me.

I’ll award a “Most Improved” trophy to Paul Walker, though.

Visuals

A few too many scenes in dark tunnels for me.

Product Placement

I haven’t been counting Nos up to now because it’s always been the gas, but this time it was the drink.

Rewatchability

If this had been the first one I’d seen, I’d have higher hopes for the series as a whole.

Click here to subscribe!

Leave a comment

Don’t get angry, dude. It’s a Xue Chan review

Xue Chan review

Let’s end this Foreign (to me) Movies Week in China.

Plot

This movie had absolutely no frills (storytelling, visual, or otherwise), so it was obvious that they felt what they had to say was important enough to stand on its own.

Whether or not they succeeded is up for debate.

Characters

It’s pretty obvious that the three main characters were almost the only ones who knew they were actually in a movie.

Visuals

It looks (and sounds) like this movie was shot using an old camcorder (and it probably was), but in a way, it added to the experience.

Product Placement

I doubt this movie even had a budget at all, let alone corporate sponsors.

Rewatchability

Odd enough to be interesting this time, but also odd enough to keep me from seeing it again anytime soon.

Click here to subscribe!

Leave a comment

Your fantasy version of this Un Amour de Jeunesse review is doomed to failure

Un Amour de Jeunesse review

It’s France’s turn in this Foreign (to me) Movies Week thing I have going on.

Plot

Context. That’s all I’m asking for. The main character seemed to bounce from one life…milestone (for lack of a better word)…to the next.

Otherwise, it’s sorta-kinda-a-little-bit-maybe like the entire Before trilogy all rolled into one film.

Characters

I will be referring to Lola Créton as “the Shailene Woodley of France” from now on…if I ever refer to her at all.

Too bad I don’t care much for Shailene Woodley.

Visuals

Circle wipes? What is this, a Woody Allen movie 1905 or something?

Circle wipes aren’t bad, though, of course.

Product Placement

I don’t guess there was anything…but what do I know about French products?

Rewatchability

It’s never a good sign when I repeatedly pause a movie for 20 minutes or more at a time so I can do other things instead.

Click here to subscribe!

Leave a comment

When you save a Te Presento a Laura review, it belongs to you

Te Presento a Laura review

Time to go to Mexico for today’s entry in Foreign (to me) Movies Week.

Plot

They kept the suspense of what happened to set the story in motion for so long that when they actually revealed it, it was a little disappointing.

Characters

Sebastian was a little boring, but the quirky supporting cast more than made up for it.

Visuals

I liked the font they chose for the subtitles.

Product Placement

I have a sneaking suspicion this movie was at least partially funded by Trident Splash gum.

Rewatchability

Sometimes picking a movie based on how cute the main character is actually pays off.

Click here to subscribe!